The path back is never easy. She was learning that more profoundly with each new day. It's one thing to earn trust the first time, but it's a completely different thing to earn trust after having systematically and thoroughly destroying it over the course of time. Even if it was unintentional.
But she knew that she could not hold his hand along the path. Holding hands requires trust, and that she had none of. Her heart was battered and bruised, and felt it could not take another hit. She was also tired - she felt as thought she had not only held his hand, but also carried him for far too long. Besides, she had her own path to trod - and it was difficult enough. Some days, it seemed simple: handle the logistics. Do the things you have to do to stay alive and keep your shit together, in other words.
Then of course, there were days like today - where nothing fits and realizations come careening through the atmosphere, out of nowhere.
She made a mistake at work, not a big one - it was tiny, in reality - in everyone else's reality. But her chest hurt, a giant aching that gripped her tightly, holding her lungs ransom. She kept telling herself it was small, it was tiny - she kept telling herself that no one would ever think on it again. But she could not keep the doubt and fear away - it crept up on her like a slowly rising river, barely lapping ice cold water onto her toes. She felt powerless over it, all she could do was acknowledge it and step back. She didn't know how to stand in it right now, she didn't know how to live in the fear - so she backed away.
It would be more poetic to say that at that moment a realization hit her like a ton of bricks or a lightning strike, but that's not what it was like at all for her. It simply felt like someone sucked the remaining air out of her lungs.
As her breath slowly returned, the realization crystallized. She knew she needed constant validation, but she hadn't understood why. For so long, she had been telling herself that she constantly needed to make sure she was doing everything right for everyone else every step along the way. Her confidence had been shredded, like a newly leafed tree in a horrific hail storm. This led her to question her every action, her every decision. She was constantly checking to make sure things hadn't changed.
She had gotten so used to her reality shifting underneath her feet that she forgot what it was like to stand on solid ground. She had forgotten that solid ground even existed, and that she could actually rebuild her foundation.
But she had to do it alone, and she wanted to do it alone. There would be help from her family and her close friends, but she could not be tied to another and become herself again.
And that what when she felt the bolt of lightning to her heart. She realized that she was working towards her own recovery, not theirs.
But she knew that she could not hold his hand along the path. Holding hands requires trust, and that she had none of. Her heart was battered and bruised, and felt it could not take another hit. She was also tired - she felt as thought she had not only held his hand, but also carried him for far too long. Besides, she had her own path to trod - and it was difficult enough. Some days, it seemed simple: handle the logistics. Do the things you have to do to stay alive and keep your shit together, in other words.
Then of course, there were days like today - where nothing fits and realizations come careening through the atmosphere, out of nowhere.
She made a mistake at work, not a big one - it was tiny, in reality - in everyone else's reality. But her chest hurt, a giant aching that gripped her tightly, holding her lungs ransom. She kept telling herself it was small, it was tiny - she kept telling herself that no one would ever think on it again. But she could not keep the doubt and fear away - it crept up on her like a slowly rising river, barely lapping ice cold water onto her toes. She felt powerless over it, all she could do was acknowledge it and step back. She didn't know how to stand in it right now, she didn't know how to live in the fear - so she backed away.
It would be more poetic to say that at that moment a realization hit her like a ton of bricks or a lightning strike, but that's not what it was like at all for her. It simply felt like someone sucked the remaining air out of her lungs.
As her breath slowly returned, the realization crystallized. She knew she needed constant validation, but she hadn't understood why. For so long, she had been telling herself that she constantly needed to make sure she was doing everything right for everyone else every step along the way. Her confidence had been shredded, like a newly leafed tree in a horrific hail storm. This led her to question her every action, her every decision. She was constantly checking to make sure things hadn't changed.
She had gotten so used to her reality shifting underneath her feet that she forgot what it was like to stand on solid ground. She had forgotten that solid ground even existed, and that she could actually rebuild her foundation.
But she had to do it alone, and she wanted to do it alone. There would be help from her family and her close friends, but she could not be tied to another and become herself again.
And that what when she felt the bolt of lightning to her heart. She realized that she was working towards her own recovery, not theirs.
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