Selfishness

She couldn't remember the last time she made a truly selfish decision. She honestly couldn't think of the last time she did something that benefited only her own self. Even the things she chose to do in her free time were done to help others or for the greater good of her family. 

That thought weighed on her, like a heavy, wet spring snow on a tree already adorned with bright green leaves. She bent under the weight of it - not that it was a bad thing, but on top of everything else...

She knew she couldn't bear the weight of everything. That, of course, was common sense. But lately, she had a hard time bearing the weight of even more than one thing at once. There is always a lot to be sad about in the world - so much. But all her life, she'd been able to stand it enough to keep tears from springing to her eyes at the thought of the tragedies, waiting until the right time to mourn and cry. 

But it all weighed on her in such a way that she felt she couldn't bear even the normal things. She had to start shutting herself off from the world  - she had to stop consuming all the thoughts of others, limiting her exposure to all of the tragedies. While she used to be able to read, process, and advocate on the behalf of others; now she couldn't help crying. She couldn't keep the tears at bay over something as simple as a photo. It had all become too much to bear. 

And her heart was sore. But she didn't have a safe space to be that vulnerable, it was tearfully uncomfortable - like everything else, she had to bear the weight of it herself. She hoped that someday she would have a space safe enough to unfold into, but for now she knew it all had to be contained. 

She wondered if she could make a truly selfish decision. She thought she should try.