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Alone

She felt so alone. So fucking alone.

 The type of alone where you have a funny thought, but there's no one to share it with. Or you need to say something, but have no one to say it to.

 It was her own fault, she was sure of it. She broke her friends down by burdening them with too much of her reality and leaning too heavily on them for support. One by one, she broke them - unintentionally, of course. As soon as she realized what she was doing, she went full stop. But that left her with a very small pool of friends close enough to even consider talking to about all she was going through. And she didn't want to break anyone else...

 She separated herself from her family. Not in a definitive or even spoken way - she loved them all dearly. She just put some silence between she and everyone else. It was easy to do, since they were all spread out. She still leaned on her parents...they were really all she had left.

 She resented her partner and alienated him. She could not get past the anger, and she didn't want to. She pushed him away because the pain was too great, and the hurt so deep - and she didn't want to try anymore...

 So all of this left her alone. And she didn't trust herself alone...unable to find someone she to help her untangle her thoughts. After all she had been through recently, she felt in desperate need of a truly honest friend she could trust implicitly. 

 Maybe, she thought, this is why I give up. I give in and forgive and forget because the thought of being alone with my own thoughts is so terrifying that I'd rather just stay. Or I give up because I don't trust myself to make the right decision without someone else knowing the whole truth. And there was no one to tell the whole truth to.

 The thoughts sloshed around in her brain, circling around like a never-ending whirlpool. 

 How could she move forward without a second opinion, and how could she get a second opinion without getting advice from someone she trusted? And who could she trust enough to love her through these awful decisions, because she can't take yet another heartbreak.But she was so unhappy. So was so tired...

 Her scales were settling - would it be harder to stay exactly like this forever? Or would it be harder to start over again and be alone?

 Either way, she lost. Both ways, her heart breaks.

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