Skip to main content

Alone

She felt so alone. So fucking alone.

 The type of alone where you have a funny thought, but there's no one to share it with. Or you need to say something, but have no one to say it to.

 It was her own fault, she was sure of it. She broke her friends down by burdening them with too much of her reality and leaning too heavily on them for support. One by one, she broke them - unintentionally, of course. As soon as she realized what she was doing, she went full stop. But that left her with a very small pool of friends close enough to even consider talking to about all she was going through. And she didn't want to break anyone else...

 She separated herself from her family. Not in a definitive or even spoken way - she loved them all dearly. She just put some silence between she and everyone else. It was easy to do, since they were all spread out. She still leaned on her parents...they were really all she had left.

 She resented her partner and alienated him. She could not get past the anger, and she didn't want to. She pushed him away because the pain was too great, and the hurt so deep - and she didn't want to try anymore...

 So all of this left her alone. And she didn't trust herself alone...unable to find someone she to help her untangle her thoughts. After all she had been through recently, she felt in desperate need of a truly honest friend she could trust implicitly. 

 Maybe, she thought, this is why I give up. I give in and forgive and forget because the thought of being alone with my own thoughts is so terrifying that I'd rather just stay. Or I give up because I don't trust myself to make the right decision without someone else knowing the whole truth. And there was no one to tell the whole truth to.

 The thoughts sloshed around in her brain, circling around like a never-ending whirlpool. 

 How could she move forward without a second opinion, and how could she get a second opinion without getting advice from someone she trusted? And who could she trust enough to love her through these awful decisions, because she can't take yet another heartbreak.But she was so unhappy. So was so tired...

 Her scales were settling - would it be harder to stay exactly like this forever? Or would it be harder to start over again and be alone?

 Either way, she lost. Both ways, her heart breaks.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

A Selfish Day Realized

She did try to be selfish for a whole day, she truly did. But in all honesty, she only managed a few hours.  It was glorious, and did wonders for her soul. She thought she should try to do it more often, but wondered how she would peel herself away from the unending turmoil and day-to-day tasks of her life? What matters is, she was selfish for a few hours. And it was good for her soul. 
Post a Comment
Read more

Selfishness

She couldn't remember the last time she made a truly selfish decision. She honestly couldn't think of the last time she did something that benefited only her own self. Even the things she chose to do in her free time were done to help others or for the greater good of her family.  That thought weighed on her, like a heavy, wet spring snow on a tree already adorned with bright green leaves. She bent under the weight of it - not that it was a bad thing, but on top of everything else... She knew she couldn't bear the weight of everything. That, of course, was common sense. But lately, she had a hard time bearing the weight of even more than one thing at once. There is always a lot to be sad about in the world - so much. But all her life, she'd been able to stand it enough to keep tears from springing to her eyes at the thought of the tragedies, waiting until the right time to mourn and cry.  But it all weighed on her in such a way that she felt she couldn't...
Post a Comment
Read more

Inciting Incident 3

She sat next to him, calm, self-assured, and strong.  "It is as though we are on the same string, just at opposite ends," her voice soft and sensual without a hint of effort.  She gently slid her fingertips along his mandolin.  "I am knotted here,"    her fingertips tapping the edge of the bridge.  "But you are all the way over at the other end."  She slid her hand along the strings to the tuning pegs, lightly twisting one between two fingers before letting her hand fall back into her lap.  "When we are struck, we sing the same note, because we are connected. So whatever note is struck - love, caution, passion, fear - it reverberates back to each of us. I think we understand each other a lot more than we think we do." She took a deep breath before she continued.  "But the problem is, these two ends never meet." She tapped each end of the strings, then let her hand fall to rest on his knee.  "You have to brea...
Post a Comment
Read more